The Koala at UCSD Online

A short spell and a half ago I was interested in dating a girl slightly younger than myself. She was nine... No, no, no I'm just joking (Chill, OK), she was a seventeen year old senior at a local high school. At the time I was twenty years old. It was only a three year difference, that's not so bad-is it? No, of course it's not.

Now at this point of the article I'm sure that the entire female population of UCSD is saying to themselves, "Why would Jason want to date a girl like her when he could easily have a woman like me?" Well I'll tell you: It was refreshing to be involved with someone who is young, dewy-eyed, and naive to the world. To be involved with someone who thinks that I'm absolutely brilliant because I can regurgitate all of the philosophy that I was forced to learn while taking the Revelle Humanities sequence. To be involved with someone that I can teach and protect. To be involved with someone that I can discipline by spanking her young, tight, nubile, bottom with a riding crop while hearing her cry out, "Oh Daddy, Daddy, I've been a bad, bad girl!!"-Oh Shit. I'm terribly sorry. I have no idea how that last line got into this article, that was supposed to be in my letter to Penthouse Forum ... Fucking word processors... Anyway, suffice it to say that my reasons for getting involved with this girl were nothing but wholesome.

Being the old fashioned guy that I am, I played it by the book. I approached her parents and asked permission to begin the courtship procedures. Unfortunately, they threw a shit fit. In fact, they forbade me to see her-which of course made her want me all the more (you know, the forbidden fruit thing coupled with that Romeo and Juliet, West Side Story crap). Let's just admit it: She wanted a piece of The J-Man.

Finally her parents offered to meet me. They asked me a bunch of asinine questions like, "What's your shoe size?" (frankly, I think that her mother was just curious about my penis size) and, "Do you believe in premarital sex?" They also asked me to furnish a sexual resume complete with references. Needless to say, I was offended and stormed out of there pronto (and for those of you actually following the story, I never saw her again).

Days after the incident, I received a fax from The Weekly World News offering me two million dollars to publish my sexual resume "Fuck that", I said aloud, I'll publish it in n my column for free (your undying admiration is payment enough for me). Here it goes, feel free to take notes:I’m afraid that I must leave you all now; after rereading my article I find myself with a rather large erection... A man's got to do what a man's got to do...Gotta go...

Jay's Sexual Resume

Seeks employment as: Lover Man

Age: How old do you want me to be, baby?

Qualifications:
Nine inch tongue
Naturally ribbed penis (for her pleasure)
The stamina of a lumberjack

Early Education:
Discovered genitals earlier than average. First love was his mother but his father became jealous and threatened to castrate him. Jason gives up mother as sexual object and identities with his father.
August 4, 1978 - Plays first game of "Show me your pussy and I'll show you my dick" with a local girl. Jason finally learns that, contrary to what his big brother has told him, vaginas do not possess teeth!!
January 11, 1980 - Jason is seduced by his 12 year old baby sitter Angela. He is unable to ejaculate but is able to satisfy her nonetheless.
April 25, 1980 - Jason enters his latency period. All girls "suck" and have the cooties.

Secondary Education:
March 6, 1985-Jason has his first wet dream. It is at this point he realizes that the same phenomena can be reproduced manually. Jason begins the masturbatory stage of his life.
June 22, 1987 - In a game of Truth or Dare, Jason receives his first hand job (from a hand other than his own). It is, "pretty cool" and his "date" Jasmine giggles the whole time saying, "I think it's turning red..."
June 27, 1989 - Jason gets laid for the first time since the onset of puberty. The girl is his high school sweetheart. He lasts for approximately 45 seconds. The sweetheart, being a virgin, begins to cry.

Post-Graduate Education
June 28, 1989 - September 30, 1993-Jason throws himself into various random sexual escapades. He dabbles in bondage, golden showers, groups, and other nameless taboos, all the while in search of an intimacy and spirituality lacking thus far in his life (what can I say, talk like that gets me laid).
October 4, 1993 - Jason finally learns to "snog" and looks forward to his next lesson.