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KOALA NEWS UPDATE

WARREN COLLEGE, UCSD - Last night at about 2:15 am PST, a strange clamoring was heard somewhere about the Warren Res. Halls. What appears to be the first sexual conduct in the Warren college area has left many of the school's administrators and residents speechless.

According to one witness, "A few of us were just studying chemistry when all of a sudden one of our suitemates came bursting out of the hall and into his room with what looked to be a female companion. After he slammed the door, we heard grunting for about fifteen seconds and then complete silence.

"None of us had ever witnessed anything like that before, so we just went back to the books. It wasn't until about 7:00 thus morning when we realized what could have happened in there."

The witness (who asked for his name to be withheld from thus article) said that he then proceeded to call the Res. Life office to find out what to do in a situation such as thus one. In their ongoing attempts to arrive faster at a party than 911 at an emergency, the entire administrative staff of Warren College was outside who they refer to as "the lost youth's" room within five minutes.

While reports of sexual activity have occasionally come in from Thurgood College and Muir College, thus was the first of any such conduct in the history of Warren College.

"We knew these new residence halls were going to be a problem for these youths," reported one of the first administrators on the scene. "The troubled teens of today have no morals and are more hard-up for sex than any generation I have ever seen. They are constantly groping each other and reading those nudie magazines. Let me tell you, if my Ma ever caught me with one of those magazines I would have been beaten sully."

The scene was cleared by 9:00 am without any sight of either of the so-called " Warren sex fiends". An inside source claims that the Res. Life office has been flooded with calls from concerned parents and family members.

The unnamed suitemate unformed us that he already called his mother to tell her that he was fine and that his studying was not disrupted for long enough to drop his grade point average.

"I was just scared of what she might think." he began. "If she read in the paper that people here had sex, she probably would have me transfer to Riverside where it's guaranteed that nothing like that happens. I had to be the first to let her know."

In order to prevent any future sexual activity around the Warren campus, the Res. Life administrators have hired security guards to patrol the entrances to the Res. Halls to make sure that no one of the opposite sex sneaks unto the other's building.