Lessons Learned from Public Service Announcements Throughout the Ages

By Ken "Our Little Secret" Sullivan

The one with Ricky from Silver Spoons. Ricky introduces little dramatizations on a range of subjects. One was on bullies. It had some kid brushing up on his Michael Jackson moves in front of a mirror. Then two older kids come in and say "Hey kid, got the lunch money?" take lil' dancer's money, push him around a bit and then say "You don't have to tell anyone." At the time I thought it was funny that the shmuck dancing in front of the mirror of his school's bathroom got picked on. The good news is that I totally forget what Ricky suggested one does in this predicament. I think it was something brilliant like run home and tell mommy.
Lesson learned: Public service announcements are written by sadists who hate children.
The one where the dad finds his kid's drug stash (I think it was grass). The dad asks "Where did you learn to do his huh? Who taught you how to do this?!" The kid bursts out into tears and cries out "I learned it from you, dad! I learned it from watching you!" much to the shock of dad.
Lessons learned: Don't set your kid up for easy comebacks.
The one where the cowboy "hankers for a hunk of cheese." The cowboy complains he is so hungry he could eat a wagon wheel, so he eats some cheese and crackers and pretends to be satisfied. What Saturday morning cartoon watcher knew what the fuck "hanker" means? Lesson learned: American children are too stupid to know how to snack.

The Partnership for a Drug-Free America ad where they show the EKG of a "normal teenager" and compare it to the brainwaves of a "marijuana using teenager'. Of course the pot smoker's graph is all flat and lifeless. This could be due to the fact that Partnership used a comatose patient for their "marijuana using teenager."
Lesson learned: It's perfectly all right to blatantly lie to people, so long as it's for a "good cause"
That new Partnership one where the hick-looking guy talks about how he used to be a good kid, until he got hooked on pot. He says his dad kicked him out of the house. What the hell does a stoner get kicked out of the house for? Did dad come home one day to find his son quietly watching TV and yelled "That's it! You are no longer my son!" Yeah, a PCP induced freak-out is a pretty sketchy sight, but it's nothing compared to someone who's smoked a couple of bowls.
Lesson learned: If you can't think of rational reasons for people to not smoke weed, make them up.
The other new one where the kid is at a party and gets handed a joint and after having a petit mal seizure, says "no thanks" and everything is fine.
Lesson learned: Even Partnership has on occasional grasp of reality.
The brand spanking new one where they tell us that a cigar has the nicotine equivalent of 70 cigarettes. This would be a good point IF you inhaled cigar smoke.
Lesson learned: If you put a cigar in a glass of water overnight and drink the water you will die of nicotine poisoning. Actually I didn't really learn that from the commercial, I just think it's a neat fact.