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Party Date	Party	Click Below to Rate!	Votes
06/02/08	Houseboat		13
There exists a point in every college students life where you’re drinking simply to dull the pain from the last night’s drinking. Later, your intervention counselor will tell you this is alcoholism. In the meantime, there’s a place to hone your drinking skills to liver-crippling proportions: Houseboat. 5 Houseboats, 125 people, 35 kegs. For 4 days across Memorial Day weekend, you get to rub elbows and other appendages with Stockton’s finest local sluts, while dancing in the safety of your houseboat and raging with staff from ski and snowboard clubs from every UC in the state. My story begins as I’m drinking moonshine in the back of the car, preparing myself for the epic rager. I receive a phone call from the president of board club. She says, “Santa Cruz has brought 17 girls and 2 guys. A new staff member has made the claim that he will hook up with more girls than anyone else.” The gauntlet was dropped. I was ready to plow some poon. THE RULES Find an impartial judge Points are awarded on the classic 1-10 scale Double points are given for a threesome, and foursome is an automatic win. If you sleep with a girl twice, you get half as many points, and no points for the third time. This is the gonzo, balls deep recount of my escapades through the pussy party known as houseboats. I donned my party gear: A poncho, a speedo, and a steel viking helmet. I try to only remove clothing, not add, which means a lot of my fucking happened with a viking helmet on. Do you know what that’s like? Few will know the splendor that is slapping some slut’s ass with a fucking viking helmet on? I was like a fucking norse god, swinging my penis-hammer with impunity. CALL ME THOR, BITCH. The first 3 girls I fucked all happened within a 24 hour period. It’s funny how when a girl says some stupid shit like, “I don’t usually just hook up with guys” a line like, “Well, I’m not the usual sort of guy” drops their panties like fucking rohypnol. Anyway, the first 3 had a total score of 21. Not fucking bad, and even a few. I pull a dawn patrol and offer to have knee sex with a girl with the largest breasts I've ever seen. I play a few games of beer die, slaps some asses, and start getting my stumble on. After passing out in a boat at around 1pm of day 3, the sharpies come out, but I wake up fairly quickly to minimize the damage. As I come to, this total fucking hottie walking by. There’s something about those short jew girls that really does it for me. She fucked like a rock star and drank like a fish. I grab her arm and say, “I need a cuddle buddy.” We start porking in the boat and I offer to move things on land. She was a girl after a Koala’s heart. After fucking all god damn day, we nap and she wakes me up with a massage and says, “Hey, let’s go get pants-shitting drunk. Also, some drugs?” We blow rails all night and fuck our way into oblivion. Final score? 34.5. THE STORY OF B-RAD AND THE LEGEND OF THE GOLDEN CALF: Hedonism aside, I had decided to go full force for this game because I was under the impression the esteemed ex-editor of the Koala and lady killer extraordinaire was going to be in the running. Little did I know, he was to be victim to another ex-editor's invention (Stevie Why): A rolling beer-bong. Here's the idea, you take a regular beer bong, and drop a pill of ecstasy into it. As soon as it hits the valve, you let that fucker rip. An hour later, you'll be in party central. Anyway, B-rad fucks some skeezy slut the first night, then starts the morning with a rolling beer bong. Next thing I heard, he was boarding local boats and stealing beer, but that's not where I start interacting with him. As I'm stumbling towards my tent to get my fuck on, B-rad is way in the distance, running. Apparently, he found an australian border collie, and was herding cows. This is not a euphemism for partying with fat chicks, he was literally redirect large bovine creatures. As I approach him and mention, "Dude, it's kind of weird that you're herding cows instead of fucking girls." to which he replies, "Oh, really? Man, okay. I think I twisted my ankle." For the record, I think he tried to fuck a cow.

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